Perhaps that was the problem, I didn’t take the time to slow down and reflect. I’ve been running around frantically to make things better, to put things in order and feel a sense of clarity by seeking answers instead of letting it unfold as God intended. Perhaps what was playing out was too painful and confusing to endure, and in my desperation I tried to diffuse emotions by pushing forward blindly.
There’s too much seeking, too much questioning, too much asking, too much talking, too much negotiating, too much justifying, too much fixing, too much mending–mending something that is already broken and long gone.
I waste time on mending because I’m a coward. It takes courage to leave, it takes courage to stay but in this moment, I feel like a coward. If God is love and I lack faith in love, does that mean I lack faith in God? Logic says so but no, it’s my heart. All I can do is wait for God to speak to me since only He can help me to pick up the pieces.
God isn’t the voice who said “Let there be light.” He is the light. He is the moment. I’m with the voice, not the moment.
The irony is that everything around me remains the same…if I choose not to awaken, I can live in this delirium and emptiness for many years, even a lifetime. But can I? I wish I can, but know I cannot.
If I knew what I know today I would’ve done things differently, but this doesn’t matter since valuable lessons in life don’t come for free. The more valuable the lesson, heftier the price tag.
It’s him. It’s me. It’s me and him. He tries, I try. He doesn’t try. I try. He tries, I don’t try. Why are we even dancing when we don’t speak the same language to begin with. Why can’t we dance even when we speak the same love language.
He tells me he doesn’t deserve me. I laugh. How do I tell him that because of him, I now don’t deserve any better. How can I take my wounded heart to someone I love selflessly. How does he not understand. How selfish he is, until this day.
Or perhaps it’s me. Perhaps it’s not him, but me, who is changing.
Why am I relying on words, actions and objects to fill this void when all I need is one look, one touch and one moment to fill it instantly. It’s too close yet too far; too right yet too wrong, all at the same time.
And so love continues…