What follows below is select journal entries from my private diary in 2007- unedited and unfiltered writings that documents what how I was feeling while I was suffering from postpartum depression. Very few understood what I was going through, not even my husband, parents, friends…not even myself.
With a sincere, grateful and loving heart, I open up the pages from my personal journal with hope another mom out there suffering from postpartum depression can find hope, strength and connection.
January 12, 2007 @9:50 pm
The day my daughter is born
T was born today at 5:02 pm, weighing in at 6 lbs 6 oz measuring 18 1/2 inches. She is absolutely beautiful and I feel great. Thank God for a smooth delivery and a healthy baby girl. Her apgar score was 9/9 which is the best number since the nurse says no baby can actually get a 10. I couldn’t believe how smooth my delivery was. I’m still in some pain but feel great. I’m a little tired but nothing unbearable. I’m so grateful and feel extremely blessed. DH has been a great help.
Note: My postpartum nurse Dianne was so sweet. I should send her a thank you card.
January 14, 2007 @8:00 am
Day 3- morning
I’m still at the hospital. We wanted to go home yesterday evening after 24 hours but ended up staying because T needed additional blood tests. She’s A blood type just like her daddy which isn’t compatible with my O+ blood type so the doctor wants to monitor her a little longer. Yesterday was good. We were able to get a nice, private postpartum room which made a huge difference. Family came to visit.
Day 3- afternoon @4:52 pm
T is now 3 days old. We came home around noon and settled in. She is feeding around the clock and waking up quite often. I haven’t slept much in a few days. Tired but feeling great.
January 18, 2007 @10:35 am
Day 6
Time is flying by. She’s getting cuter and cuter by the day and we’re definitely bonding more. Luckily I didn’t need stitches this time but I still suffer from bad backaches and cramping every time I breastfeed. I still need vicodin to control the pain because the strongest tylenol isn’t cutting it. I don’t know why cramping is so much worse this time around. I have to use the meds sparingly.
DH is returning to work tomorrow. So far things have been smooth. She’s feeding about every 2-4 hours and sleeping most of the time. It’s still fairly easy- but I know the late night crying spells will come eventually. I’m not looking forward to it, but I feel I have this under control. I’ve done it once, I can do it again. 🙂
I can’t thank God enough for my two beautiful girls. I love them so much that its overwhelming. Being a young mom is tough at times but definitely one of the most rewarding roles in life. I still don’t have many friends with children and I do feel like I’m moving too fast at times but at the end of the day, I can’t help but to smile at my beautiful daughters. They’re absolutely perfect.
January 20, 2007 @ 4:31 am
Week 2
It’s been one week since T was born. She weighted in at 7 lbs at her last check up 4 days ago. She gained a lot of weight and is doing really well. Her pediatrician was concerned about her higher risk of jaundice because she’s bloodtype A and I’m O but her bili level remains fairly low at 9.6. We just have to keep monitoring her and she’ll be okay.
I can tell 20-months old E is getting more jealous each day. She’s clinging onto me more and is really fascinated by T. I don’t think she really understands what’s going on but then again, she’s a smart girl and I tend to underestimate her abilities.
I have a piercing headache and tylenol doesn’t work. My body temperature doesn’t seem regulated either. I break out in cold sweat and get shivers for no reason. I think having two babies is definitely taking a toll on my body.
5:35 am
T is still awake. DH is sleeping next to me and I’m so tired. And T is so so so adorable! 🙂
I feel a little bad and guilty for E. She must feel a little left out these days because I can’t spend as much time with her. We’re lucky to have grandparents who can help. I can’t help but to feel a little nervous about having two kids but know God will help and guide us through it. Thank you Lord for all your blessings. I love you.
January 21, 2007 @ 5:06 am
I’m up at 5’O clock in the morning with T again. She’s really good, doesn’t cry a lot but wakes up twice every night…but of course, this is just a normal process of these early months. She’s doing really well. And her umbilical cord fell off today!